I was doing the math this morning... a man, a very delightful friend, came into my life recently to teach me something about myself. He also offered me a friends with benefits relationship. It all sounded really good and just about now, the idea of how he touches me and soothes me feels really good to my sense of loss from the last relationship.
It all seems so easy to take him up on his offer. His caveat was that we weren't to get into the "shit" together. He wants only to serve me. I've already been very delightfully bathed in oxytocin from spending a few evenings taking comfort and cuddling with him. His insight is so damned clear, when he speaks, my soul simply welcomes more.
The only area of difficulty is that I notice I can't be completely present with him... there is a watchful presence inside of me that seems to place natural barriers to exploring further. In doing the math on it this morning... I realized that to continue to go further means I am going to awaken the contractedness inside of me every time he touches me. So, pleasure is going to feel like pain. Because pain is there waiting to be transcended into beauty. That transcendence is my ability to expand my mind. To lift my thoughts up above the patterned responses and rest in an understanding that brings peace and the strong and prevailing sense of feeling good within myself again, fully.
Unity is what the promise of having a sexual experience is all about. If having sex with someone tends to only dilute the experience of unity, then it is offering more of the sense of separation. If I can't be fully present with someone, then I am going to feel separate from them... And this is going to make sharing them, experiencing them, tragic or traumatic.
The soul wants to come together in unity.
So, the offer having been placed on the table... a clean presentation I must admit, one with perks for sure, comes at a time when another offer is also on the table... one of monogamy and longevity, from another man.
The only real thing to know is what leads me to feeling good through the doorway of being present? The sense of friendship from both men is strong. The wisdom they share is strong. The immediacy of one is alluring while the distance I have to cross to be with the other calls for me to become very clear about what my deeper needs are in relation to me.
I can say that I want both. Both are, on the surface, quite good offers. They both require that I stand in my own ability to heal and navigate the stuff that doesn't allow me to be fully present. I set it up that way. It's no one's job to fix the stuff that comes up that doesn't allow me to be fully present.
And I know that the recent past is waiting to be released and it will, when I allow it to be. That recent past does not led me to being present and feeling good. I can only share being present and feeling good when that recent past has been overcome by creating more good feelings, giving myself more options for how to meet my own needs for feeling good.
And here's the riddle... when sex feels good, shouldn't it be one of the medicines used? And the answer is, if it truly and deeply adds to the foundation of feeling good, then for me, yes. If it adds to it while stirring up so much that the experience creates separation within me, then again, I would only choose that option if I was completely clear within myself that I wanted to use that experience as the way through the separation into the unity.
I might just start with unity though and create more of the same...
That's it for today... going for a hike!
Love & Beauty
~Gayla
It all seems so easy to take him up on his offer. His caveat was that we weren't to get into the "shit" together. He wants only to serve me. I've already been very delightfully bathed in oxytocin from spending a few evenings taking comfort and cuddling with him. His insight is so damned clear, when he speaks, my soul simply welcomes more.
The only area of difficulty is that I notice I can't be completely present with him... there is a watchful presence inside of me that seems to place natural barriers to exploring further. In doing the math on it this morning... I realized that to continue to go further means I am going to awaken the contractedness inside of me every time he touches me. So, pleasure is going to feel like pain. Because pain is there waiting to be transcended into beauty. That transcendence is my ability to expand my mind. To lift my thoughts up above the patterned responses and rest in an understanding that brings peace and the strong and prevailing sense of feeling good within myself again, fully.
Unity is what the promise of having a sexual experience is all about. If having sex with someone tends to only dilute the experience of unity, then it is offering more of the sense of separation. If I can't be fully present with someone, then I am going to feel separate from them... And this is going to make sharing them, experiencing them, tragic or traumatic.
The soul wants to come together in unity.
So, the offer having been placed on the table... a clean presentation I must admit, one with perks for sure, comes at a time when another offer is also on the table... one of monogamy and longevity, from another man.
The only real thing to know is what leads me to feeling good through the doorway of being present? The sense of friendship from both men is strong. The wisdom they share is strong. The immediacy of one is alluring while the distance I have to cross to be with the other calls for me to become very clear about what my deeper needs are in relation to me.
I can say that I want both. Both are, on the surface, quite good offers. They both require that I stand in my own ability to heal and navigate the stuff that doesn't allow me to be fully present. I set it up that way. It's no one's job to fix the stuff that comes up that doesn't allow me to be fully present.
And I know that the recent past is waiting to be released and it will, when I allow it to be. That recent past does not led me to being present and feeling good. I can only share being present and feeling good when that recent past has been overcome by creating more good feelings, giving myself more options for how to meet my own needs for feeling good.
And here's the riddle... when sex feels good, shouldn't it be one of the medicines used? And the answer is, if it truly and deeply adds to the foundation of feeling good, then for me, yes. If it adds to it while stirring up so much that the experience creates separation within me, then again, I would only choose that option if I was completely clear within myself that I wanted to use that experience as the way through the separation into the unity.
I might just start with unity though and create more of the same...
That's it for today... going for a hike!
Love & Beauty
~Gayla
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1 comments:
Gayla, what a lovely site, lovely posts. Thank you for approaching me about your project, and I'll email you so you can feel free to email me about it. Love, Rori
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